Are we in a gay sports bar?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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