I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
