That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
