I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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