why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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