I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
