What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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