Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
