I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
