I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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