I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
im on a boat
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