I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
