just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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