He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
