Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
