Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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