Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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