My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
