Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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