Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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