The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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