Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
zippers are such a cool invention
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
