he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
