I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I will pee on everything he values.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
