Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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