We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
