The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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