I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
