He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
