Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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