stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
