I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
