dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
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