saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize