You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
