i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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