i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
