Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
