Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize