Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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