Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
