haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
