When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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