Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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