last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
