why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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