apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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