what day is it and did you see me today?
and she was petting her beer can
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
