I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
