I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
