looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
