my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
