i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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