I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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