Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
