if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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