If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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