chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
