u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
