Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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