Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You need a sexual gate keeper
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
