I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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