I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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