i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
