Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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